Restarting life at 30, but not really
I have no idea how many times I have restarted my life, think I was at square one and then later on down the line realising that the lessons I had learnt from the ‘previous’ life had echoed through to the new. I am not talking about other lives like a mystic, I am merely referring to the person I was when I was younger. I would get dragged into relationships because I didn’t know what it meant to be alone. To me being alone was just painful as all hell, it meant I was not worthy of love or attention and that the simple act of sitting there meant that I was somehow rejected. Rejected by who? Nobody, it was merely a perception I had of being on my own. Being on your own is not a good thing, or a bad thing, it is a completely neutral experience.
That being said, this doesn’t mean I have been happy on my own for very long. Having got out of a long term relationship only 6 months ago I have had to reassess what I wanted from my life. Before it was all about getting married, a house and having kids etc, but that was not what I actually wanted. To me this is my life, getting to talk to and inspire others who may be going through the same pits of despair that I once was. I set about making it my life purpose shortly after my own suicide attempts when I was 21. To understand myself and the human condition enough to help others not kill themselves.
When I think to myself “I am restarting my life at 30” I know this isn’t really true. I haven’t hit some reset switch on my existence and those experiences of my past are more crucial now than they were before. Why? Because this is the present and that is the only thing I can work on. Any lessons I have learnt from the pain and hurt I have experienced in the last few years will be important for moving forward.
And so whatever I had planned has changed. A new journey and adventure began long before I turned 30. I say I have been doing Grum for a year or so, but really it was my entire life in the making. Every little bit of pain, every moment of joy and triumph, every challenge overcome has lead me to this point, where I have given my life a purpose beyond myself and as a result a happiness I never thought I would have.
I don’t know where my thirties will take me or where I am going to take myself in my 30’s, but the idea of doing it alone, the idea of standing firm in my own conviction is worth more than any detrimental relationship I have had in the past. I know now why my relationships didn’t work, I know my flaws and my strengths and in some instances, my own insecurities that lead me to being susceptible to toxic behaviour.
There is often a shame and a guilt I felt about my past because I was in fact the toxic one, I was so convinced that I wasn’t good enough that I would draw my own self worth from being with somebody that would make me feel worth something. That was not fair on them and they did the right thing in dropping me as a friend. I was into drugs, alcohol and sex, which is just a means to shield the pain I felt inside. I had to realise this for myself though, shame, guilt and vulnerability are aspects of existence that I don’t think many want to admit to themselves is fucking up their life. I know because I avoided thinking about these sorts of thing for a very long time and they spiralled beyond anything I can really comprehend from my current viewpoint.
All I know now is that life has been a journey, a rollercoaster that I never intended to ride, but the moment I decided to lay the track ahead of me was the moment everything began to change. I have lost people along the way and made connections with people who have truly had my back. And it all started with myself.
The journey shall continue, there will be more challenges to face, but now I am excited about facing them, I want to see how far I can push this life for myself, without anybody but myself to hold me back. Most of all I look forward to sharing my journey with you.