Being Different, Alone and OK
There have always been times in my life where I feel like I don’t fit in, in fact I think it would be fair to say I have never felt like I fit in, that used to bother me something serious. Now I embrace that aspect of my being. When people look at me confused because I said something that isn’t a typical thing to hear I in turn get confused by their response. I think this has to do with my mind constantly running away from me, observing things that aren’t typically observed in polite society. This is not to say I go out of my way to purposely offend people, but people do seem often offended by what I say. Hell even my decision to represent ‘anti-suicide’ gets me some strange remarks. To me suicidal thoughts are separate from the action. You can have those thoughts and never act on them. I still get them now and they are weird suggestions for suicide.
For instance on new years eve between 2018 and 2019 I was on my own, I didn’t quite know what to do with myself so I ended up going for a drive, a drive that landed me on the banks of the river Thames, looking out as ships rolled out into the sea. The mud before me presented an idea in my mind to just walk out, lay face down and breathe in the muck. Knowing it was just a thought that came out of nowhere made me laugh. It took me by surprise and was kinda funny to me. The waves caused by the ships crashed against the muddy beach, washing over the ruins of past wars that will one day crumble into the river bed, some of which already have decayed. The swoosh of each wave hit the shore and I ended up in an almost zen like state. Two very different thought processes with the exact same stimuli.
I think the problem I am presently trying to solve is that it is hard to be alone, especially when it is expected of me to be a part of something, part of a gathering of friends, attending a party and getting drunk to bring in the new-year. It is expected that I kiss a girl at midnight or dance with them through the night. This is not where I feel at home. It is hard for me to say where I really feel at home. Maybe I feel at home being lost. Being lost to everyone around me, being lost to the rules or the ways in which things are supposed to be done. This is my struggle, trying to find places I fit in, what if I am not supposed to fit in? What if I am meant to be the torchbearer for those who face the same struggle I do. That is what I feel I am doing here, or at least trying to do. To create something for us who are so lost in a society with crazy expectations that we don’t know where we belong. I have connected with so many people from all across the globe who struggle with this very same thing and feel more connected with you because you know where I am coming from. You have suffered the same things or worse, but most of all at a mind that was susceptible to corruption. Yet none of you seem to be the problem, it is “fitting in” that seems to be the problem.
Are we supposed to get up at 6am and go to work in a place that will eventually break our spirit down to that same place we found ourselves in before? Definitely not, personally speaking, my enjoyment of existence is more important than that. So I struggle with my purpose, struggle to shed the light on things that people want to be swept under the rug. I try to challenge what issues I see within this world as and when they arise. Is this part of me an inner philosopher? I read a lot of philosophy and have found answers within its teachings, every book I read on the subject leads to a deeper understanding of what it means to be human and the 9-5 grind is incredibly far removed from that understanding. This isn’t me saying I understand the human condition, but I am some way towards understanding my own and I see it reflected in so many others that I want to share my thoughts on the subject. That’s what these blogs are really for.
I will try to dive further into these questions as I learn more about them. For now I think I have rambled enough, so until my next blog, I hope you take the time to reflect on some of the ideas I have presented and please don’t die.
All the best