I guess it has been awhile
Life has had its ups and downs the past few months, all the ups coming from the success I have been having with the Grum Reapur, helping people through some of their darkest moments, whilst I myself was experiencing my own darkness with intermittent sections of light. That has all changed in the past 6 weeks as I shed a weight that I didn’t realize I was carrying.
You see for a long time I smoked weed to help me deal with my emotional and psychological turmoil, the anxiety that came with being me. Except as time went on it became a habit. Something I would just ‘do’ without really thinking about it. I would get anxious about having to do stuff and smoke a joint to help me deal with that anxiety and then I wouldn’t get the things I needed to get done, done. This only served to exacerbate the problem. I would be high and as such wouldn’t up up doing the things that I wanted to. This was a huge problem that I came to discover as one of the roots of my anxiety. That and having someone around who would not be so supportive, telling me things like “you’re a leech, a disappointment, that they were wasting their life with me”.
It all came to a head one day when I was told that “I didn’t deserve them” and that I need to “man up”…
How could someone say that to me, someone that speaks openly about the toxicity of that exact sort of thing.
Long story short, and to deny them any sort of mental energy, the life I thought I was going to lead was torn to shreds in front of me on what I have labelled “that fateful Sunday”. Except I had the Grum, it meant more to me than anything else and I went radio silent for 10 days. That was me taking the time to put the pieces together and figure out just what had been going on. During that time I was fighting suicidal and self harm ideation, self destructive thoughts and in the end I went in the opposite direction. I realized the inner fortitude I had already developed to deal with this sort of scenario. It is not so hard for me to talk about it, but I don’t think this is the place for that, or maybe it is who knows? I felt a deep shame and went about correcting it.
I gave up weed, i started to exercise, I began eating right and most importantly I meditated for the first time in my life. All these things combined allowed me to put myself back together in a matter of weeks compared to what I thought was going to take me many months on end. I now feel better, happier, stronger and more in tune with everything around me than I have for the past 8 years or so of my life. One day I will tell that story here, but for now I get the sense it will rip open any efforts I have already engaged in to make my life better. I now have a vision unlike anything before and the past 6 weeks have shown me what I am capable of. That I can face things down with fierce intensity and really change my life for what I want it to be. The Grum is my form of legacy, to help those going through their own battles. I want you to know that everything you may have suffered can change, but you have to make a stand against it.
Sorry for the rambling nature of this post, I have been writing all day and I am trying to do the writing here without focusing too much on any of the pain. That is reserved for the story behind the Grum, that is coming along really nicely. I don’t want to put a date on its release I it keeps growing and expanding as I sit down to write.
For now I wish you all the best Christmas you can have, with people around you that care and will support you through any hardship. If these people are not there look again at your circle and reach out with honesty and openness and you may be surprised by the love you receive in return for that openness.
All the best,